[Luckywoman]

It's not a big issue anymore, because I've solved all misunderstandings, but I still would like to know where I went wrong in the first place.
This is the former problem:
I have an Indian emailfriend.
Our relation is a pure deep friendly relation (at least in my opinion, my male friend is like a son for me)
He tells me everything, and I mean really EVERYTHING about what he has to face in dayly life. (mind you, he told me only on the internet)
I tell him what I think about it and try to give him advice (from a western and from a friend's point of view)
He agrees, or disagrees at some points, everybody is allowed to have his/hers own opinion.
And I thought we respected eachother's opinion. If it wouldn't have been like that, I wouldn't have given my opinion at all.
But then, after a while, we met in person, and I, used to the western free and open discussions, talked to him face to face, said what's on my mind, gave my opinion on relations and how to treat women etc.
Hell break loose!!!
Is it really not done in India to speak freely (relationwise)
Is the man, even a rather modern man, always the one who is in control? Always the one who doesn't accept any interference in his attitude, in his behaviour?
For me it's difficult to make the twist. I have 2 grown-up sons. They live their own lives, have their own responsabilities, and that's great. I won't interfere, unless they ask for it.
Is it still so that Indian men don't accept any interference in their lives?
Not even if the interferer means the best?
As I said before, I'm on speaking terms again with my friend. I realise the relation will never become as it was before, we both have set borders, but do you think an openminded, loving relation is possible with a person from another culture than yours? And do you think it is worth the try? I do think so!
I don't want to patronise, not in this life and not in any future life!
I love my friend as a real, original, caretaking human being!
But I wonder, is this a culture thing?
Are westerns more open and free?

[noflylist]

Luckywoman, on May 31 2007, 01:56 PM, said:

Is the man, even a rather modern man, always the one who is in control?

I believe you have hit the issue on the head.

Luckywoman, on May 31 2007, 01:56 PM, said:

Always the one who doesn't accept any interference in his attitude, in his behaviour?

He would probably accept intereference from his mother!

[dzibead]

It might have been a generational thing rather than a cultural thing.  You say he is much younger than you, almost like a son, so maybe he thought you were being too "parental" - something that he might not have been so sensitive to when you were communicating on the internet.  Or maybe you crossed the line a little and started giving him unsolicited advice.  I know that when I get unsolicited advice even from someone who is a good friend, the same age, the same gender, and the same culture as me, I get very ticked off!   (I have one friend who is a particular "offender" in this respect - and I've been very, shall we say, blunt with her on more than one occasion when she's put her two cents in.   )  So while the cultural differences between you and your friend might be the most obvious, those differences aren't necessarily the explanation for the friction you experienced.

[digital drifter]

Quote

while the cultural differences between you and your friend might be the most obvious, those differences aren't necessarily the explanation for the friction you experienced.

Yes. and the fact that you had met over the 'Net gives you the false sense of familiarity.  Without visual cues, it's hard to know how certain things are received.

Of course, being 'mama's boy' is there too.  but that is again something which can be figured out at first contact.

[Luckywoman]

digital drifter, on Jun 1 2007, 01:58 PM, said:

Yes. and the fact that you had met over the 'Net gives you the false sense of familiarity. Without visual cues, it's hard to know how certain things are received.

Of course, being 'mama's boy' is there too. but that is again something which can be figured out at first contact.

Yes, DD, I think you're so right. The internet is a rather  "safe" and "anonymous" way of communication.
I'm now aware of that.
Fortunately my communication with my friend has developed in a possitive way.
We've discussed all the misunderstandings. And he still feels I'm like a mother for him, so I can continue to pamper him and give him advices
I think the internet was more the cause of problems than cultural differences were.
Well, I don't know really, I'm just happy that the problems are solved.

[dzibead]

"All's well that ends well" (as some Shakespeare character said in some play or other)

[Luckywoman]

dzibead, on Jun 1 2007, 06:13 PM, said:

"All's well that ends well" (as some Shakespeare character said in some play or other)

Yes Dzibead, I agree.
It's all about communication, doesn't matter in what way.
I'm sensible, I think, and I'm very happy things sorted out just fine.
It's really overruling your life, you know, when you feel involved in a friend's problems. And it's hard to deal with misunderstandings (for me it is!)

I know I meant well from the beginning, I had no other intention than to help my friend. He knows now that this was my only goal.

But I want to warn people who mean only the best. Cultural differences are very difficult to cope with.Think twice and trice before you act. Know very well where you're standing for.

[retiredchutney]

its not internet alone.  its extremely difficult to have emotional deep or thick conversations or sort out family problems sometimes over impersonal mediums like email, phone, online chats what not.  

i prefer face to face interactions where i can understand the tone and see the facial expressions.  cross cultural relationships bring another twist to these as well..and there are many things lost in translation over indirect mediums.  my 2 cents.